Should Children Pass Along Messages From Ex-Spouses?

How far can you go in involving your children when it comes to your ex-spouse?  Ideally, I believe it would be best that all communication between you and your ex-spouse be handled between the two of you.  There is absolutely no reason to involve your children.  Are you not both grown up individuals? Why do you need to use a child to deliver a message?  The fact that you have decided to separate is already hard enough for the child.  Imagine what you put him/her through by using him/her as your communication device?

Negative Effects on Children

There are many negative effects that your behavior can have on your children.  Your child may become torn between you and your ex-spouse.  Children tend to feel like they have to choose between one parent and the other.  They may also become overwhelmed by the demands put on them in carrying out your requests.  You need to be aware of the burden you are putting on your child.  Your child was not meant to be the messenger in your relationship with your ex-spouse.  Your child needs to be loved by both parents and to have a sense of security in his/her relationship with you.  I would recommend you to get over yourself and keep in mind what is best for the child.  You need to be able to put aside your anger, hurt, or disappointment from your ex-spouse and do what is best for your child.  Children need both parents in their lives.  I suggest you talk with your ex-spouse and come up with a solution that works for both parties regarding matters that need to be settled between the two of you and especially matters regarding your child.

Ways to Communicate with Your Ex

  • Telephone- If it is too much for you to see your ex in person it may be better to contact him/her over the phone.
  • Text Message- If you are unable to see him/her face-to-face or even hear his/her voice you can always rely on the text message tool.
  • Email- In case you have changed your contact information you might want to refer to sending him/her an email instead.
  • Mail- If everything else fails you might want to try the old-fashioned way by sending him/her a letter.  Please keep in mind to not choose your child to be the carrier of your letter to your ex!
  • Face-to-Face- Please keep in mind that this is the ideal way to communicate with your ex.
There is no doubt that a divorce puts individuals through a very intense emotional pain.  It becomes even more painful when there are children involved.  The parent's pain is challenging enough, so why not protect your children from any unnecessary pain from you putting them in the middle and doing what the adults need to do for themselves!